"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
