His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
