My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
