Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
