I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
