Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
a search helicopter?!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
