I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
