Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
