I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
