you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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