Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
