I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
