Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
