Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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