Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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