Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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