I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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