While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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