my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
