rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize