On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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