Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
