he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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