And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
