I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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