paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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