the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
