No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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