I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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