A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize