if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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