I would go down on you faster than GM stock
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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