We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Floor bacon is actually really good
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
