I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
