Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize