she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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