Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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