I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
