I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize