I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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