Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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