his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
