theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
