if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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