My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
