1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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