Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
