Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize