Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Randomize
