Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
