The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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