I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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