apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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