ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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