Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
