I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
